


If Only In My Dreams

by oldglory



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Drama, M/M, Obsession, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, sanity slippage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-28
Updated: 2014-10-28
Packaged: 2018-02-22 23:32:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2525735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oldglory/pseuds/oldglory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It lives in the back of his mind, nightmarish, a warped mass of his deepest yearnings. Beyond containment, beyond control - </p>
<p>Love, cherish, own - take. </p>
<p>This is the mantra that gnaws at Eren Jaeger's sanity when he looks at Levi Ackerman. And it's growing louder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only In My Dreams

When Levi joins the table for dinner that night, he is possessed by a curious sense of disquiet. It is hard to distinguish it at first, what with the usual stress that has worn at him and the others since learning of the upcoming coup (and the brat's inability to harden), but the feeling grows in strength the longer he sips at his tea, tickling the nape of his neck and the skin along his spine. With a slight frown, Levi sets the cup down.

His eyes sweep his subordinates in what he thinks is a surreptitious manner, until he meets Mikasa's gaze. She is staring at him rather intensely, her black eyes like chips of ice, and though he is used to her dislike of him, Levi thinks that she looks especially murderous this evening as they study one another. But again, he's accustomed to this, now. Her stare, however frosty, is not the source of the unease currently churning in his gut, and without a word he looks away, his eyes moving further down the table, where Hange is rambling excitedly to Sasha, who is blatantly ignoring her as she wolfs down the vegetable stew -

Wait.

Levi's brows knit faintly. What he's seeing makes no sense. Hange sits directly to his right, not all the way at the end of the table, in Eren's spo-

"Corporal."

It is only thanks to over thirty years of stoicism that Levi does not jump. He turns to his right as hot breath washes over his cheek, blinking owlishly at the sight of familiar - and entirely too close - green eyes. "Eren," he says slowly, his fingers twitching with the urge to correct the brat's offense of invading his personal space (and startling him).

The kid is leaning over the table, casually violating Levi's sphere of comfort, reeking of sweat and - _shit have you ever heard of toothpaste?_ He opens his mouth, something scathing forming on his tongue, but the words die on his lips when their eyes lock.

Levi has always liked Eren's eyes; they're as green as the lands beyond the walls, bright and fierce with a fire that reminds him of the past - but he does not like them now. Those eyes are dark and nearly molten in their intensity as they search his own, the normally vibrant hues tinged with something Levi doesn't recognize, though it sends chills down his spine. Goosebumps erupt along his skin the longer Eren looks at him, gaze darting from his eyes to his lips, and lingering there.

After a long, charged moment in which the rest of the table falls silent, green raises up to gray again, and Levi realizes the source of his earlier disquiet (now a big clusterfuck of unease in his gut). Eren has probably been watching him this entire time. But why? Acknowledgement? Was he waiting for Levi to realize the switch?

He glances at Hange, who looks back without a word. Is this some sort of shit prank? If it is, Levi doesn't have the patience for it. He's got enough on his plate, right now. After all the shit he's been through - and will almost certainly go through - he's entitled to a peaceful dinner where he's not being eye-balled like a Titan. Honestly, he wouldn't even care about the whole seating thing if the kid weren't breathing in his face like an excited teenager. His eyes narrow.

"You're in Hange's seat."

"I know."

"Then move."

Eren, to his private incredulity, does not. He instead continues to stare at Levi, murmuring,

"I wanted to sit next to you."

"...Why?"

The brat bites his lip. "Do I need a reason?"

Levi leans away from him.

"Yes," he says bluntly. "Hange is a captain and squad leader. You're a cadet. Move."

_And find some fucking baking soda,_ he wants to add, wrinkling his nose. But Levi is not quite that cruel. He turns away, the action clearly dismissive, but Eren seems in the mood to test his mercy. He doesn't budge. The beginnings of a frown pinch his boyish features.

"Why should I?" Eren challenges.

There is a brief, shocked silence following the words, in which tension floods the room, thick and palpable. Slowly, Levi turns his head. His eyes are hard, the corners of his mouth twisted downwards in a hint at his growing displeasure.

"Because I told you to," he says plainly, his voice deceptively soft. His left hand curls very deliberately around the nearest fork. Eren gets the message, and accordingly goes white; out of the corner of his eye Levi sees Mikasa tense. He ignores her, looking expectantly at the brat, who, to his hidden confusion (and growing irritation) does not move.

He looks a lot more hesitant, though, licking his lips as he stammers, with a boldness Levi has never seen directed at him, before: "But - but things are different now, aren't they? There's no captain, or cadet, or rank - not on the path we've chosen."

For the first time Eren looks away, down at his tightly clasped hands. "We're all just people, here."

In the following silence, Hange pipes up, "It's fine, Levi, he can stay - "

Levi raises a hand, not bothering to look away from Eren, and she immediately quiets.

"Eren," he says firmly. "Regardless of the situation, I'm in charge of you. However you feel about it, with Erwin away, you defer to me."

He taps the fork pointedly against the table, while Eren stares at him defiantly.

"So. If I tell you to do the laundry, you do the laundry. If I tell you to sweep the halls, you sweep the halls. If I tell you to move to your usual seat, then you get out of the fucking chair before I demonstrate how to properly beat the insolence out of a subordinate, right here in front of your friends. Is that what you want?"

The words are icy, sharp with agitation. Levi is annoyed with himself. He doesn't usually resort to outright threats, not this quickly, but something about Eren's stare chafes him, perhaps even more than the brat's blatant disrespect. The kid's gotten strangely bold, tonight, but he's flinching now at the hissed promise, and after a moment he moves back to a respectable distance, his jaw clenched.

"No, sir," he grits, his eyes burning with a fire that puzzles Levi. "Permission to be excused, sir?"

Levi pauses, watching with faint curiosity as a vein strains against the damp skin of the brat's forehead. He's trembling, be it from embarrassment or fury Levi doesn't know, and he angles his head, studying him. "Go," he says finally, watching closely as Eren shoots out of the chair, (probably intentionally) knocking it back as he exits the dining room, his hands balled into fists. Heavy silence descends in his wake, in which all eyes are glued to Levi, who sips leisurely at his tea. His mind races, however.

Something is off with Eren. It shone in the brat's eyes, was written clear in the indignant twist of his mouth at Levi's reprimand. However pigheaded he is with his other superiors, Eren is always docile when it comes to Levi, himself - but that was blantant defiance, just now. Stark disrespect. Even now, replaying it in his mind, Levi can't quite believe it. That the brat would risk his wrath over something as simple as a seat...

_I wanted to sit next to you,_ he said, that strange light in his gaze. Levi has seen that look before. Many, many times. It's been directed at him since he first gained the title, Humanity's Strongest - but never so intently. And not from _Eren,_ of all people.

_No_ , he tells himself, turning adamantly from that line of thought. He's not nearly as skilled at reading others as he is in battle. It's entirely possible he's mistaken.

He looks suspiciously at Hanji, only to find her looking back. There is a secret in the smile she sends him, and suddenly Levi is wary. He opens his mouth to order her return to his side, when Mikasa stands. Armin is talking quietly to her, his expression pleading, but she ignores him, moving to exit the room - presumably in search of Eren.

"Sit," Levi says sharply. Mikasa halts. They lock eyes, and tension fills the air once again, only sharper, more suffocating.

"Eren is upset," she says, in her soft, toneless voice. There is accusation in her stare, however. Irritation sparks within him.

"That's none of your concern," Levi tells her, standing. He's running out of what little patience he has left. If Mikasa doesn't stand down, now, he's not responsible for what may happen.

Stealing one last sip of his tea, he murmurs, "I'll see to him."

Her normally stoic expression gives way to cold disdain, and she lingers for a moment, scowling at him, before slowly returning to her seat.

"You'll only make it worse," she mutters, picking at her food.

Levi leaves a moment later, wondering silently if she's counting on that.

°¥°¥°¥°

He finds Eren in his room, his side pressed against the wall as he stares out of the window.

Levi closes the door quietly behind himself, leaning against it and studying Eren in thoughtful silence.

"Was there something you wanted, sir?" The brat finally asks, as Levi knew he would. There is an unmistakable edge in his voice. Shadows splay across his face, hiding his expression.

Levi tilts his head."What's wrong with you?" 

It's best to just to get to the point, when it comes to these things. Eren tenses, however, turning his head to look further out the window and better hide his face. He says nothing. It takes a moment for Levi to realize that he doesn't intend to respond. Repressing a frown, he crosses his arms. 

"Answer me."

For a beat, Eren says nothing. And then: "I'm just...a little unwell, sir. Since the... experiment."

His voice trembles on the last word, and Levi steps forward, his brow pinched. He recalls uneasily how Eren was pulled out of his malformed Titan with most of his face torn away, just three days prior. Hange has spent that time greatly worried about the aftereffects of such an intimate fusing; he's been warned to watch for anything out of the ordinary. 

And Levi sees it now, in the hard line of the brat's body, feels it in the strangely charged air between them. He approaches the other male cautiously, wondering silently if a transformation is imminent. If it is, then they're all fucked. 

"What exactly do you mean by 'unwell?'" Levi asks, barely keeping the bite from his tone. He has enough to deal with, damn it - enough on his weary shoulders. Only considerable amounts of tea have kept the stress from eating him alive, so far, and their depleted stores ensure that he won't even have that, soon. He doesn't need this right now, he really doesn't. 

Eren must hear it anyway, for his shoulders hunch defensively. He turns away, showing Levi his back. 

"Eren." On his last nerve, Levi reaches out to grab the brat, but as his fingers curl around Eren' s bicep, he is startled by the heat radiating from the skin, there. With a curse, he recoils, just as Eren flinches away with a strangled groan. He clings to the wall, his body trembling. Levi stares at the back of his head, his own body tensing as trepidation begins to fill him. 

"Eren?" he repeats softly. Eren's nails start to dig into the wall. 

"I'm fine," he says, in a voice that assures Levi he is anything but. "Go...go away. Now. Before I..." 

Fear wraps around Levi's heart in icy tendrils. Torn between attempting to defuse the situation and running for his blades, he takes a small, wary step towards Eren. 

"Are you going to transform?" he asks evenly. Even shakes his head wildly.

"No," he breathes, and Levi nearly slumps with relief. "No, I..." 

"Eren." Composure restored, Levi comes up behind him. 

"What's wrong? Do I need to go get Hange? Or Mikasa? If you're not feeling well, then lie down or take a dump or something. We can't afford to have you sick, right now."

He takes Eren's arm - ignoring how the other's breath hitches - and, frowning at the heat it emits, turns to lead him to the bed. The kid feels like a walking furnace. Such high temperature isn't normal. It bothers him - he'll have to go get Hange immediately. 

"You might have a fever..." Eren doesn't say a word as they stop beside the bed. Levi turns to manhandle him into the sheets, snark on his lips, when he looks up into Eren's eyes. He freezes. Their usual green has shrunk to a thin ring, nearly drowned by the black of blown pupils. Feverishly bright, they lock on Levi's face like the doors to madness - bottomless and wild. Devoid of humanity. Dark with an unspeakable hunger -

Levi is looking into the eyes of a Titan. 

The world is drowned out by the abrupt of sound of every instinct within him gathered in one pulsing, deafening scream, and he is moving - whether to attack or flee, he'll never know - but Eren _(Eren?)_ is faster.

He feels unnaturally strong hands clamping around his biceps, sees the world blur around him as he is forced backwards onto the bed. Everything is happening so fast that Levi's normally quick mind struggles to keep up, because Eren has the eyes of a Titan - the strength and speed of one - but he has not transformed - 

_We need to watch him carefully, these next few days._ Hanji's voice is low and worried in the sudden chaos of his mind. _To have merged like that...if we'd waited any longer to extract him..._

_Maybe we already did,_ Levi thinks wildly, fighting vainly against his captor. Above him, Eren's face is shiny with sweat. Those horrible eyes roam his face with a focused intensity not typical of Titans, and Levi realizes he is being studied. That whatever has gotten hold of Eren has not left him completely mindless. 

"Eren," Levi says slowly, every ounce of his willpower gathered into the facade of calm. If he cries out, and someone comes to his aid, either they or Eren will be killed. Either possibility spells out disaster. The only way to avoid that is to maintain his composure. Panic will get him nowhere. Fear accomplishes nothing, though it thrums steadily now alongside his frenzied heartbeat.

And, so, though every instinct screams otherwise, Levi relaxes. 

"Eren," he repeats evenly. "Release me, now. That's an order." 

The brat does the opposite, his fingers tightening to the point of pain around Levi's arms. Then he goes for his throat. Levi tenses, his composure crumbling abruptly with what seems to be his imminent death, and an entirely uncharacteristic sound escapes his throat as he steels himself against the agony of being ripped into by the ravenous maw of his own subordinate. 

Of all the ways to die, he never imagined himself going out this way. 

_Humanity's Strongest. Tch. What a shitty way to end..._

He is not prepared, however, for the wet, _gross,_ sensation that assaults the flesh of his neck instead, and it takes him a horrendously slow moment to realize that it is a tongue - _Eren' s tongue_ \- licking below the junction of his jaw and right ear. Levi stills. 

_"What the fuck are you doing?"_ he hisses, repulsed. Judging by the foul state or Eren's breath earlier, the kid's tongue has no business on Levi's freshly-washed body. The fucking _nerve._

It's staggering.

But then, as much as Levi wants to wring the little fucker's neck, he remembers that Eren is not himself. Far from himself. Yet, Titans don't lick their food. They go all in - don't even chew, typically. 

So why - why is he being lapped at like the last swallow of wine in a dying man's canteen? Why are Eren's hands like twin furnaces? What the fuck is happening? 

His thoughts are cut off abruptly as hot breath warms his ear with the strange rasp of Eren's voice. 

**_"Mine,"_** he growls, and the raw force behind that word, the animalistic fury of it, is enough to rattle Levi to his core. He obeys the primal screeching of some deeper instinct and goes limp.

He has entered an abrupt, crippling state of fear, the likes of which have not touched his soul in a long, long time. He feels like a child again, helpless and terrified of the dark, winding maze that was the underground city. Levi is shaking, shaking so hard that no amount of willpower can stop it, and he is infuriated with himself, at the stupid fucking brat that has inexplicably put this fear in him - but he can do nothing, say nothing as his arms are forced roughly above his head, his wrists trapped in one hand and his legs pried apart with the other. 

_What?_ He has time to think, before Eren sinks heavily onto his body, and Levi feels, with dawning horror, the hot, frighteningly hard arousal belonging to the younger male as it is ground against him.

"You can't be fucking serious," he gasps, renewing his struggles. "Let me go. Eren -"

He remembers the brat's odd behavior at dinner - how he looked at Levi - how he turned away - warned in a tremulous voice that he not come any closer - 

The repulsive thing above him is not Eren Jaeger. But the kid must have sensed the oncoming takeover. He must've known this - whatever the fuck is happening - was imminent. 

_"Go - go away. Now. Before I..."_

His train of thought is again derailed by the frenzied, almost desperate thrust of Eren's hips, snapping roughly - demandingly - against his own. 

Eren is licking at his neck, nipping painfully at the flesh, there, and Levi - does nothing. The situation is so ridiculous, so inconceivable, that the wild urge to laugh assaults him in much the same way that Eren is currently attacking his pants. He rips the short apron away first, then goes for the dark leather straps, which come apart under his hands with disturbing ease. 

Levi still has to swallow his laughter - until he hears the distinct sound of his trousers being torn from his body. He goes white, now, struck with the abrupt realization that this is real, that he is about to be violated in the most horrific way - and by his own fucking charge, no less.

_ What the **fuck?** _

 

The seriousness of the situation is reflected clearly in the steady darkness of this foreign creature's eyes as it leans back to look at him, unruly brown head tilted to one side. It lifts one hand, so that Levi can watch as the appendage moves, with deliberate slowness, to the waistband of his underwear. 

"Don't." He grits out. It is only by sheer force of will that he has not yet spit in Eren's face. Levi will never admit it, but he's out of his league, here. He's used to mindless monsters who act on instinct - not taunting, lustful, actively malicious beasts wearing the faces of comrades. 

"Stop this, now," he orders, as the creature skims his waistband almost teasingly, fingers not quite dipping in. "You're not a rapist, Eren." 

The creature pauses. Seeing an opening, Levi continues, slowly, emphatically, "You're not a monster."

"See, you're wrong about that," Eren says suddenly, startling Levi into silence. His hand moves from the waistband and up to Levi's chest, where he rubs gentle circles above the other's pounding heart. "If you knew...if you knew how I feel - all the things...that run through my head when I look at you...." 

Eren's voice is tremulous, weak, a shell of itself - but it is a vast improvement over the guttural growl that shook him so badly before, so much so that Levi hardly registers the words being spoken to him. All that matters is that Eren seems to be coming back to himself...

"Eren," he says softly. "Look at me."

Reluctantly, Eren does. Their eyes meet and he inhales sharply, his face deathly white despite the sweat glistening there. The strange brightness in his stare begins to recede. His pupils are shrinking back to their normal size, and Levi cannot repress the shudder of relief that wracks his body as Eren's features begin to soften into familiarity. 

"Whatever's inside you, you have to fight it," Levi continues. "You're strong enough. You wouldn't have made it this far, otherwise." 

He flexes his wrist; Eren still holds them in a death grip. "Now get off me." 

Eren's eyes squeeze shut. A variety of expressions ripple across his face, and he bows his head, his teeth grit. 

_ "Jaeger."  _

The hand above his heart presses down hard enough to hurt, the other squeezing his wrists so tightly that Levi expects to see some ugly bruises come morning. 

"I...I..." 

More than a little nervous, now, Levi bucks up impatiently. It's the wrong to do. Eren makes a strangled sound as their hips meet, his nails gouging deep into Levi's flesh, his white face flushing red.

_"Fuck,"_ he growls, the animalistic undercurrent returning. "Fuck - fuck -" 

"Fight it, brat!" Levi hisses, frustrated. He didn't mean for that to happen, and now they're back where they started, it seems. His patience has dried out, leaving nothing but rising panic as Eren shakes his head furiously, a pathetic sound escaping him. 

"I _can't,"_ he says desperately. "I can't - I'm sorry - I - " 

The urge to call for help rises like bile in his throat, instinctual and overwhelming, and Levi nearly gives in to it when Eren begins to cry. The tears run fast and copiously down his cheeks; Levi watches, speechless, as Eren releases him, scrambling backwards on all fours, then leaps off the bed with an almost inhuman speed. 

"Fuck - fuck - fuck -" he sobs, tugging at his hair like a madman. Levi sits up slowly, raising his hands placatingly. His wrists hurt like a bitch, and he is at an utter loss as to what to do next. He's not even sure what's happening, really, and the fact that he remains so firmly ignorant is maddening. His mind races and his instincts roar - 

_ Neutralize the target.  _

As distressed as he seems, Levi doubts Eren will be much of a challenge now. His muscles tense, ready to spring, when another thought occurs to him: what if he's wrong? If Eren still possesses that frightening strength (and speed), then, superior soldier or not, there is far too high a possibility that Levi will be overpowered...and then? 

While he weighs his options, Eren moves unsteadily to the door. The sobs, whatever their source, have quieted, and the tears are quiet now as he sags against the wood like a boy with the world on his shoulders, his hand grasping the knob in a weak, trembling grip.

"M'sorry," he croaks, into heavy silence. Levi says nothing. He doesn't trust himself to speak. 

_But I can't just let him leave._

Then Eren continues, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean - " 

He lets out a shuddering breath, his back to Levi, and whispers, "I'd never hurt you." 

There is something behind those words, something fervent and fierce that leaves Levi staunchly uncomfortable. He shifts unconsciously backwards against the firmness of the headboard, one hand reaching blindly for his ruined pants. A stab of annoyance pierces him when he looks away briefly from Eren to assess the damage. The brat has torn them beyond repair. 

Well. At least they weren't his best pair. 

When he looks back up, it is to see Eren straightening a little. His face is still stark white, his fists clenched far too tight, but he seems to have come back to himself for the most part. The kid still won't look in his direction. Levi wonders if he's ashamed. 

"Are you alright?" he asks quietly. Eren nods tightly.

"Yeah," he whispers harshly. Unconvincingly.  "Yeah. I just...I just need some air." 

"That can wait. I have questions." 

Eren makes a frustrated sound. "No - you don't, you don't _get it._ I need to go outside. _Right now._ Then I'll be alright, and you can go get Hanji or whoever. Just...please, Corporal."

Levi studies him. "How do I know you're not a danger to everyone in this house?" 

The boy looks pained. "I'm not," he says softly, sincerely. Their eyes meet briefly. "Just you." 

Levi is startled enough by that answer that he says nothing as Eren opens the door and steps out into the hallway. Distantly, he can hear the murmur of conversation downstairs. The others are unbothered, it seems. 

"You should leave before I get back. In fact - it'd probably be best if you...if you just kept your distance from now on," Eren mumbles. He keeps his gaze trained on the floor. "At least, until _it_ goes away. I'm not..." 

His eyes shut briefly. "I'm not as strong as you think I am. Sir." 

Then he's gone.

And Levi is left sitting there, his wrists aching, with the distinct sense that their already dismal situation is about to get a lot worse. 

_ What the fuck did he mean by **'it?'** _

**Author's Note:**

> So. First contribution to this fandom and this site. I hope to entertain someone out there. Not really sure where I'm going with this - depends on the response I get - but feel free to nag me on Tumblr (same username) if you'd like me to continue. It's the only way I get anything done, really (i could probably out-sloth sloths). Or, you know, drop a review below. 
> 
> Either way, Thanks for reading!


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